narayan thapa

Narayan Thapa:: Redhat Certified Engineer(RHCE), Redhat Certified Technician(RHCT),PHP Programmer and IT consultant from Nepal

Stupid

Actually I am running since a long time.. to go there (there is unknown place ).. doing jobs making them ( sometimes you are also on tTem)happy.

 

More work, less money (not always) and being busy.. Beginning with ganesh a stupid and small Murti (to avoid all badness ?? around me a stupid thing itself hehe cause what remaining to happen now..)..

 

NEA (nepal electricity authority) is my villain .. it always disturbs to me.. I would like to work more and it forced to sleep (in installment sometimes) till Mid June.. I am alone.. ( not always) and used to be with my dream, song and specially my best friend (movies) .. haha working with watching movie is a really a great experience to give really poor performance..

 

It’s mid night and Kathmandu is on sleep. I have few friends (are you? I am not feeling.. with criteria.. that you have) online.. and they all are on work .. ( I don’t know what they are doing)..

 

Always(it means every days with few exceptions) there are few websites that I used to browse, few songs that I used to listen, few words that I would like to read (yes read..) and to remember ..

 

Haha, I have browsed a website today..he is my unethical friend’s website (sorry my friend’s unethical website due to few words..) I read him (really I like words that he used)and love words..that he used..

 

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Shadows Off of A DREAM

 

I sometime seem to be alone, tired and unspoken… freaking around places and holding glasses of wine and cigarettes …. I hoped that old memories of mine would leave my spirit soon … But Damn !! Overkill !! slings and arrows kill me from inside and all my thoughts or dreams remain without an answer…I tried moving on but its all broken delicate wings… yup !! trying to Lift shadows off a Dream once broken.. but Maybe its too late to accept the life thats mine..

 

I stand by the window with my eyes upon the moon.. the Pictures of dreams hunt me everytime… Its been a long, long time and I feel like I am Lost in the sky, clouds roll by and I roll with them.. flying HIGH !! damn !! They took away the pictures of my dreams..

 

 

Hallucinations.. !!

 

Have you ever thought of a sand castle built on the sea side. It looks marvellous, it houses all the dreams all the love and togetherness as well. But a gentle wave makes it to vanish in thin air. We know that it was there but we cannot find it anymore. No one realises that it was not merely a sand castle, it was our dreams actually. But who has the command over fate, not you not me.

 

Still dream, still feel the difference but one can feel that its not the same.

 

I like to gaze at the stars at night, have you ever yearned for a shooting star??? Maybe yes maybe no who knows !!!!. Well i saw aone few days back, it seemed as entire era was passing by as i was looking at it fade and disappear into the horizon. It was gone, it had to go: Why again its fate. My options: simply to glare into the darkness and say thank you for it had lightened my world even for a small fraction of time. I waited for some time, i had a hallucination that it would return and glow forever for me. I knew that it was not possible, the world has to be turned upside down, it was simply a naive effort of mine to persuade myself.

 

You know me, a free and fun loving girl/guy who always enjoyed laughing and shedding some tears. I dont say that i have changed but now it seems changes are a part of a my life. WhY?? Maybe simply to survive and breathe as others do.

 

The sense of responsibility was missing from my life. It is not that i have realised it just now, but this thought has been lingering in my mind for a long time.It time to get real and to get out of the fantasy land.

 

Babi re.. ” RISHUTHYO “

 

What kind of life is this if you have to fret and fume the whole time without ever smiling for even a few hours? An indeed a wasteful life whose end is like everyone else’s yet is filled with tribulations and tremor. My life….the whole 23 years have been nothing really to be proud of and yet still more years to come, lot more to achieve. But why do I feel I have had enough? Why isn’t there a burning desire in me to do something? To be someone? I have been a loner my whole life. I like to do things my way but why doesn’t anyone just let me be me? Expectations are devilish. When something doesn’t turn out the way it should its not the failure you feel inside but the expectation you have……that hurts. It would be so much easier if I didn’t had any expectations, then there wouldn’t be a question of letting me down. You might see me as a pathetic loser, a psyched depressed soul. But I see myself as someone who has accepted the reality. But Reality is one of those excruciating words. What is real? For me only death is real……..all other stuffs in life are just distractions……….the end is always death. You Live to Die.

 

Just ssshhhhhh shut up and Listen

 

Huncha ma vandina kina vaney garera dekauchu, Dekhey mailey dherai jharey, aba ma pani kei garchu, chup lagg bachhaa haru aba dai le kura vanchu jharey parey aaye kyaare daya baaya, i aint into cocain, i am still the aakash

 

dherai barsha bityo , dekhey dherai jharey paarey , ghar maa aai tv herchu, but kati hernu !! sadhai ko same old shits.. dimaag maa kich kich ko suruwaat…. ma ke garum !! ma ke garum !@!! lekhey 3-4 wota journal, tara faaley mailey byartha, kei dekhina mailey oochit future..sana tinaa kura chan, tyai kura ko kach kach, yo baun ko saano rish , ma ta malai matlab chaina, vancha jasley malai jhaarey ..tara thikai cha,mero yo uljhan, kina tyasai tolai rako chu, ani ke chaiyo, ma ta purano days samjhera… ma ta danga, ani ke chayo ….tyai ho..

 

“.. In remembrance of the memories I have.. .julez poem re!!”

 

Wat memories I have!! wat story do I belong to?? was never so loud n clear till u were gone……was I strong enough to see u go by err was I so week to let u go…. i constantly keep asking myself …with the raining if questions still my mind is completely filled. I wish to move my steps back till I see u before…capture that moment n never look ahead. My wishes r all in vein, when I see myself so ahead that I can hardly even find the traces, but the memories all so filled pound my heart so loud that with every beat I can feel your presence. I was never to see any dreams never to hold any realism then why was I so moved by u. Years passed by leaving memories as a teardrop in the check of time. N every time I look at the time to realize wat have I lost by. It was not u it was that heart I had once treasured, well I say I still do but why have u left me behind with nth more than that memories on which I rely. Tears r no more by…I have cried to my veins n now I m nth more than a hollow shaft 4m all sides. I have suppressed all I have with all the works I adhere but no matter how hard I work to keep myself away I feel so ruined so destroyed. Every puff I take wishing my memories go with the smoke that vanishes in no time but every time I puff n realize its just the memory I have. I see no ways no paths ….was I to see no dreams again?? Everytime I close my eyes thinkin it would be my last night but nah I aint to die n nor can I die. I aint even living…n I know this. Life is so identical to hell ‘I smile to my last breath n my sadness is over shadowed but wat do I do in dark? When I hear nth more than silence!! a silence n ur heart pounds within me louder than ever makin me realize that it was all real. I had it with u n I shall for ever treasure.

 

Dream.. what exactly is !! ??

 

Have been thinking about this for a while now, and decided to gather my thoughts and type it out. There are a few things which often left me wondering as to how to deal with them. Dream, Desires and Expectations are those which often left me thinking as to where and how a dream can become a desire or expectations.

 

If we retrospect our own lives, i find that in most cases we suffer because somehow our dreams became our desire and hence it hurts when it isn’t fulfilled. We start expecting certain things and certain behaviour from a person or situation which if doesn’t happen to our liking we get hurt. We often become un-reasonable and become crazy about that fact that we desire something and we can’t exist without it. then we get hurt since more than often it’s a desire which we have built up within ourself, not considering the circumstances well.

 

This doesn’t mean i hate dreaming or have desires. The key is to define our expectations and set our desires at an appropriate level and be honest to ourself and to the situation when we do the same. There is no point building castles in air or by sea side, they don’t stay for long and it hurts when they are gone. It’s fun to play on the sand, but not in real life. So better ewatch out when you desire and always remember what you deserve. So the balance between what you desire and what you deserve is very important to keep you away from pain of unfulfilled desires and expectations.

 

It’s not easy to be rational when it comes to limit your desires and expectations. I never stop dreaming, neither am i asking you to stop, but just make sure that you don’t turn your dreams into desires without really considering the fact that it is only your desire, not what you deserve. If you deserve, there is no harm in it, since it would be yours, sooner or later.

 

Dream, have your eyes on the sky and feet on the ground !!

 

Moving on?

 

Someone once told me, if a glass object breaks, don’t try to gather the broken pieces, it will hurt your fingers. Just broom them off !! I was asked to Move on!! I know it’s easier said than done, when it comes to real life and I feel it’s true to the last letter. So you might want to gather the larger pieces to start with, that is solve the larger problems. If they get solved, then go for the smaller ones. The tragedy however is that the smaller ones hurts more. So unless you pick the bigger ones, don’t go for the smaller ones. If nothing works, yes, broom them off !!!

 

I believe, when you try to move on and there is a change in your life, then the person involved was very dear to you. If you move on and nothing much changes for you, then the person wasn’t really that important. Most often people are scared to move on- insecurity stops them.

 

I Remember the time when I walked alone and this person came along. So if you see the life ahead is lonely, don’t get bothered, since once you start working and you are deserving, someone will walk along holding your hand. Make sure you make yourself desirable. There are lot of people in the world who appreciates sincerity above anything else. So just go ahead and yes - ‘keep walking’ :).. again- I guess it’s easier said than done..

 

I felt like mentioning a little about dreams and expectations. Considering my dreams as goals and expectations, keep them to the minimum. The tough part is the ignorance to realize those dreams, so be worried to search that, i don’t search for the goal, i search the path to reach there. Now a days- I Don’t expect a lot from people, the less you expect, the less pain you are likely to get.

 

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Do you understand after reading all these ? You seems stupid.. really I am not.. However it has meanings.. you should read 2/3 times to get then you will have own explain with your words after reading…

 

Oh no…….err… again same thing.. 2am night (my power cut schedule is 3 am today)..writing stupid things with watching movie .. no smoking (another stupid film) and uploaded (actually replaced) WRONG files to wrong website (client will kill me)..Be happy :(